page 12

Interview: Randy Gearhart

from page 9 Going on to a related subject, why did you decide to go into gay counselling?

One fundamental reason is that I went through all kinds of hell coming to terms with my gayness. I am not overtly religious but I have my own god and my own religion, within me. My family tended to be prejudiced, which instilled some of its prejudices and biases in me.

I repressed my sexuality and my identity to go along with what I thought was acceptable societal interaction with people, sexual norms, and so on. In college I joined a fraternity because that was the man's thing to do. Even though I loved to look at the men, I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I carried this even to the point of getting married. I was married seven years, and then divorced. Even to the point of my repressing it so much that I overate and became very fat; I mean, extremely fat. It wasn't until I started coming to terms with my sexuality that I realized I was eating compulsively and gaining weight because if I did that, I wouldn't have to deal with wht I was really feeling.

So then I wound up getting

divorced. I lost all thẻ weight; came to terms with my sexuality. It's not something that you always come

to

terms with. I think you

Gay Peoples Chronicle

will always have growing to do, on any issue. But I feel comfortable with it now much more comfortable than I did several years ago.

I'm 34 years old. I've only been out four years.

I'm 57, and I've been out five years.

Okay, you understand what I'm talking about. I went through all kinds of pain and trauma and socialization and all of that.

There are a lot of gay therapists and counsellors, but many of them are in the closet and can't help people deal with their sexuality.

Do you realize there are only two gay men's therapy groups in this city? That's very distressing. Both are run by Peter Beebe. One is only a little over a year old, and the second has only been operating for a couplé of months.

I didn't realize those were the only ones.

That's it, as far as I'm aware. What distresses me is the lack of openly gay therapists willing to take on all the issues in the gay and lesbian community as whole.

There's no central contact person out there to help gay individuals; to become an activist or advocate for them; to help them through the welfare system, the social security system, the

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medical system, and all those things. Yes, there are therapists who do psychotherapy, but how many also do case manaement or advocacy? My expertise runs in welfare administration and social security and all of that area, so I can not only help individuals deal with sexuality, as well as any kind of psychotherapy, but 1 can also do advocacy for them.

I had a very high administrative position at Mt. Si nail Medical Center. It would have been political suicide for me to come out. But I felt that I needed to become me, to be who I was, rather than what everyone else wanted me to be.

So, I left that life style and became what I call gay. I took on my gay identity and began living my lifestyle in full, aš får as I could. I have a male spouse. I have a gay job. I am openly gay at SASS and in the community. I've come out to my parents, my siblings, my spouse's siblings: the whole gamut. In my internship for SASS I am openly gay; I do gay counselling with them.

I decided that I needed to stop living that "straight" life and become who I really wanted to be and who I was; and to become gay. By doing that I free myself and offer myself to the community as a résource. Eventually I'll open a private practice and do the kinds of things Nick Palumbo and Debbie Dunkel are doing through Focus, and that Peter Beebe is doing. I will be someone out there in the open, and will become an advocate for gay people as well

So that's why I went that route.

It seems to me that a number of us--maybe this is typical

of those who came out and up feeling we want to do what we can 50 others won't have to go through what we did.

Exactly. I feel that if I can help one person avoid the hell that I went through then it was all worth it. Because I don't think anyone deserves to go through what we did to become gay and to accept ourselves as caring, nurturing, worthwhile human beings.

Society flings all kinds of unncesssary crap at us and we take it all in. Well, we don't have to.

I'm not saying that every one has to come out of the closet, because everyone's where they need to be for what they are. I think it helps when you come out of the closet. It frees you to do all kinds of things for yourself and for the community. That's important. But I can also respect the position of someone who's in the closet because coming out would destroy a career they have worked for all their lives. They've set their priorities and that's fine. I would want to help them deal with their decision, and to be as comfortable being gay in that situation as they can be. And I think that's fine, too.

March 1986

What really burns me selfishness.

up is

Well, when you become angry is when you can actualize, move on, and make change.

If

you know what you're angry at.

Right. If you're not angry and if you're not in rage about your situation, then there's no reason to change, because you're passive about it and it's not doing any-

thing.

But I know people who should be angry about their situation and haven't got there yet.

They may never get there. Hopefully they will. Many people become angry and full of rage, but their anger_becomes internalized. They become depressed, hopeless, helpless; and then they just flow. They're like little amebas that just kind flow through the world.

of

I don't want to give the impression that everyone is like that, but my goal is to try to help people avoid being that way if they choose so I'm not going to hang out a shingle and say, "I'm going to convert you all." My purpose is to help people whom I serve and help them come to terms with whoever they may be; whether they be

I'm til straig" to

close my doors to a straight person who comes to me. But I tend to think my bread and butter is going to be made in the gay community. People will either come to you bebecause you're good, or stay away because you're bad. So my goal is to be the best I

can.

This leads me back to part of the reasons I resigned. I want to be the best person! can be for the help to give other people. While SASS has a difficult program, there's much more that I want to do.

I appreciate the Taskforce's giving me the opportunity to grow; I certainly did. AIDS is a number-one priority and I have not abandoned it. My heart and soul are still in the issue, because it's paramount. Our brothers are dying from AIDS. You can't turn your back on that. I have told the Taskforce that I'm still willing to do public speaking when it fits into the schedule. And I will be in touch with various aspects of the community because AIDS is an issue.

I assume that when I go into private practice, safe sex will be part of the sexuality issue. People have changed the rules and nobody asked us about it, you know? Nobody's playing by fair rules any more. I'm supposed to be gay. I'm supposed to be free, caring and nurturing. But that's killing me. Being sensitive and intimate and sexual, and expressing our gayness in sexual terms, is killing us. Nobody asked us if we wanted to die. So those issues will obviously be coming up in any kind of Counselling session. So I intend very much to keep in touch with these issues.